why am i trying so hard, and putting myself through all this pain?

why do i try so hard for you?

i really want to give up.

because you're giving up. not me.

i dont know how to describe how i am feeling.

i cant describe the pain i am feeling.

i really hate this.

This is so painful. i really hate this. this is so painful to me.

why are u doing this to me? everyday i wake to reality. and i'm like, fuck what am i doing to my life. this is so painful.

we have only 1 week left together.

I want to spend every moment i have with you, to build my last memories with you.

I trust every word u say, that u'd come back for me, before we end our 3years of pursing diploma.

But i dont trust time. I am afraid that time would cause us to break apart, to distance.

I miss you. everyday, i wake up to reality, that breaks my heart, and i can actually feel it shatter every moment. i hate waking up to reality. i wake up, and remember that, oh i have a day less with you now. I dont want to count down to the days left, i really dont. i dont want to countdown at all. i want to see the eternity with you. We had deals. we had our promises. Even walking on the streets, seeing loving couples, and I'm like, I had that. We kissed, we hugged, we held hands. We were the loving couple that my friends were always talking about and saying, "hey, you guys would definitely last".

But not all relationships can last, but i hope when u come back for me, we would last, for a long time. u wished for another smooth sailing year with me, on our 1st year anniversary. every month, u wished me happy anniversary. from now on, after the 22nd of april, i wont be looking forward to it anymore. cause, i know there wont be anymore of such texts from you.

no more.

not at all.

Teardrops just come rolling down every now and then.

Though we havent officially ended, it pretty much seems like the end of the world.

but no, you made my day today.

You spent almost one full day with me, just like old times, hugging me, and making me happy. I'll miss those times alot. Watching The Vow with you today, just made my heart wrench with every single scene it was playing. It was plain heart breaking. To know that you're gonna leave me. I wonder how my heart can actually take all of this in. I can actually feel my heart beating so fast, cracking with every single thought of you in my mind.

I really want to let this all out, but i cant cry. i cant let my parents see me crying. I hide and tear and cry. I gotta wipe off those tears.

I got to stand up tall again.

Finally blogging again.

Decided not to make this blog too flowery of all sorts.

The only reason why i started blogging again is because of you.

Since twitter is out now, i guess blogging's the only way i can express how i feel.

Since you also said that, because of my tweets therefore we are like that.

I guess this whole thing is my fault.

But i still cant believe whats happening. It has been about a year and 4months coming, that we have been together. And we're actually breaking up. It hurts so bad. So bad. no one's ever gonna read this. but honestly, deep down inside, i want you to read this and see this.

I want you to know how I feel, i know it hurts you inside, but it hurts me too.

being in a relationship means being selfish. I cant help but be selfish.

I really love you, i really really do. U're probably the first person who has such impact on me.

The last time broke up, it was not as impactful as this. I took that as more of a "you know what, your loss" but this time, its like, "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG? I CAN AMEND ALL WAYS TO GET YOU BACK".

It seems fucking desperate, but its me being desperate. i really need to just pour all these out to someone. and i just want someone to listen.